David Barno & Nora Bensahel

Senator Tommy Tuberville of Alabama, known widely as “Coach,” single-handedly imposed a blanket hold on Senate confirmations for all U.S. military general and flag officers in February 2023. Over 400 officers were affected, halting promotions, changes of command, and family moves for 10 months, with rippling effects across the force that impacted hundreds more in the ranks below. Tuberville recently lifted his hold on all officers except those nominated to serve as four-star generals and admirals.

With apologies to Dr. Seuss, this poem is dedicated to all the officers and their families whose lives have been deeply disrupted by this hold.

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot

But the Coach from Alabama — he surely did not!

All the Whos in their uniforms serving their country with pride

Looked forward to Christmas from locations worldwide.

But the Coach hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,

He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos.

Staring down from the Capitol with a sour Grinchy frown

At the warm lights shining below in their town.

For he knew every Who down in Whoville beneath

Was busy now hanging a hollywho wreath.

Heart to heart and hand in hand,

Uniformed all, resplendent and grand.

They were hoping and counting, and eagerly awaiting,

The maybe-announcing of a gift so elating.

For the Hold might be lifted, and their lives all resumed!

Perhaps for this Christmas, it could even come soon!

Holding on to his Hold since way back in the spring

“I’m just not gonna fold,” Coach said, as if he were king!

Enduring pleas from Lindsay and Joni, from Dan and from Mitch,

Their arguments grew louder, their anger at pitch,

“You’re hurting our heroes! Stop this vile plot!”

But Coach just replied, “Absolutely not!”

Yet as he looked across town, he saw quite a sight

As the Whos’ decorations lit up the dark night.

“They’re hanging their stockings,” Coach snarled with a sneer.

“Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!”

Then he growled, with his fingertips nervously drumming,

“I must find some way to keep their Christmas from coming!

I must put a stop to this unhappy news,

And plunge them once more into their no-confirmation blues!

For tomorrow, I know all the Who girls and Who boys

Will wake bright and early, and not just for toys!

They’ll rush for their phones! They’ll search through the press!

To see if their lives at last can progress!

And if I do lift the Hold? Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

There’s one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

They’ll hoot in delight, they’ll shriek and they’ll squeal,

They’ll shout out in glee, they’ll kick up their heels!

And then they’ll do something I hate most of all!

Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,

They’ll stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They’ll stand hand-in-hand, and those Whos will start singing!

And they’ll sing! And they’ll sing! And they’ll SING! SING! SING! SING!”

And the more the Coach thought of this Who Christmas Sing,

The more the Coach thought, “I must stop this whole thing!

My Hold can’t be lifted! I’ve held out far too long!

I can’t possibly compromise, or admit I was wrong!

Why for nearly a year, I've kept this up until now

I must stop their Christmas from coming! But how?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

The Coach got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Coach laughed in his throat.

“I'll make a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.”

And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great nasty trick!

With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is a reindeer.” Then the Coach looked around.

But since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the Coach? Hah! Coach simply said,

“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”

So he grabbed mascot Big Al, and he took some black thread.

And he tied a big horn on top of his elephant’s head.

Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks

On a ramshackle sleigh tied to Big Al’s strong back.

Then the Coach said, “Giddyap!” and the sleigh started down

Toward the places where the Whos lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there.

Then he came to the Pentagon, the Whos’ biggest lair.

“This is stop number one,” the fake Santy Claus hissed,

As he climbed on the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down to the E-Ring, a rather tight pinch.

But if Santa could do it, the Coach wouldn’t flinch.

He got stuck only once, for a minute or two.

Then he poked his head out of a gray office cube

Where the little Who stockings hung all in a row.

“These stockings,” he grinched, “are the first things to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole E-Ring, and he took every present!

Rockets, destroyers, jet fighters, and drums!

Carriers, choppers, big bombers, and guns!

Their computers and warplans, their tools used for mapping,

Swept out of the corridors with all the Whos napping!

And Coach stuffed them in bags, while he scanned the landscape,

Then shoved each bag way up to the fire escape.

As he pushed all the stuff to the rooftop with glee,

“Now,” grinned the Coach,” I will send up their tree!”

The Chairman’s big tree, he discovered with a laugh,

And dragged it down the corridor by the darkened Joint Staff.

As the Coach pulled the tree ’round, and he started to shove,

He heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and was surprised by a Who!

All of a sudden, there was the Chairman — famed four-star C.Q.!

C.Q. stared at the Coach and quietly said, “Santy Claus, why,

Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?”

But, you know, the old Coach was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

“Yes, C.Q., this is Santa,” the fake Santy Claus lied,

“There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.

So I'm taking your tree to my workshop tonight.

I'll fix it up there, and make it just right.”

And his fib fooled the Chairman. Then he patted his head,

Made up some new acronyms, and distracted him instead.

“Go find old Lloyd Austin,” the Coach slyly exclaimed.

“I hear that you’re needed, he’s calling your name.”

C.Q. went back to the E-Ring, now utterly bare,

Coach climbed to the roof and dragged the tree there.

As he stopped to pause, getting ready to flee,

A smile lit his face as his heart filled with glee.

It was almost near dawn. All the Whos still a-bed,

All the Whos still a-snooze, when the Coach packed up his sled.

The Pentagon stripped of its tree and its presents,

The Coach was feeling a warmth oh-so-pleasant!

Hundreds of feet up the Washington Monument,

He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

“Pooh-pooh to the Whos!” he was flintily humming.

“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!

The Whos down in Whoville will all cry boo-hoo!”

“That’s a noise,” smirked the Coach, “that I simply must hear!”

He paused, and the Coach put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low, then it started to grow.

But this sound wasn’t sad!

Why, this sound sounded glad!

Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,

Was singing without any presents at all!

The Pentagon lights, now ablaze in the dawn

Had lit up something special, not expected at all!

Coach hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming! It came!

Without lifting his Hold, it came just the same!

And the Coach, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling. “How could it be so?”

It came without moves, without a single new base,

It came though his Hold remained firmly place.

It came without drones, without bombers and guns,

It came without confirmations for anyone!

He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Coach thought of something he hadn’t before.

Maybe Christmas, he thought, wasn’t about notching a score.

Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!

And what happened then? Well, in Whoville some say

That the Coach’s tiny heart grew a half-size that day!

“I’ll lift hundreds of Holds, by golly, by gad,

But I’ll hold back those four-stars, just to prove that I’m bad!”

But even as he said these words that were true,

The Coach couldn’t let go, and made trouble anew.

And his famed flinty smile flinted up just once more,

Because he still had one last nasty trick in store.

He grinned and he shouted, ‘cuz he’d found one more way

To cause still more trouble, and brighten his day!

“A year-long CR!” he gloated and beamed,

“It’s better than anything I’ve yet dared to dream!”

A Continuing Resolution would be his newest affront,

And he promised to block other funding upfront!

“With no more new money, the SecDef will be frosted,

For the New Year that’s coming, I’ll leave the Pentagon exhausted!”

But all throughout Whoville, the Whos gathered and met,

And no wild new Coach antic could make them upset!

Families together and hearts all alight,

Not even the Coach could depress their delight!

The Whos now all celebrated with their songs and their feasts,

They started thinking about moving north, south, west, or east.

So this Christmas, when all was done, all was said,

Wasn’t about the Coach, or the pain he had spread.

Instead, the Whos proudly outlasted the Hold,

And celebrated Christmas together, the young and the old.

The Coach slunk back to his office, his ploy almost finished,

As the skies above Whoville filled with joy undiminished.

Eight tiny reindeer, holiday mittens on their paws,

Being led by none other than the true Santa Claus.

And the Whos happily listened, as he exclaimed in delight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”